Attack of the Douchemuffins
by AsukaFireDuchess
Summary: It's REALLY hard to get some peace and quiet around here...


**Attack of the Douchemuffins**

AsukaFireDuchess

_A/N: The real description will be the one at the end, this is just to remind you **that I will be writing in the troll's quirks and if there's anything wrong with my grammar/spelling when the text is in quotation marks,** please keep this in mind._

**_The mystery guests are in italics and Crabdad's translated text is_ underlined. **_THIS MIGHT BE HARD SO UNDERSTAND, IF SO PLEASE ASK ME WHATEVER YOU WANT (ALSO, I WILL EDIT THIS LATER ON)_

* * *

_Karkat_ had always been a very refined. Well, besides the fact he was a TROLL and had a very… COLOURFUL vocabulary.

Even though it was a weekend he didn't want to bake any Slime pie or talk to the spirits like _Aradia_. And he sure as hell didn't even CONSIDER flarping like the rest of them-_Tavros_ really NEEDED to stop playing games for girls. Infact, he just wanted to stay home and indulge himself in the world of shitty rom-cons, WITHOUT being interrupted by _Terezi, Gamzee or Sollux_- and maybe even troll _Dave's_ blog a little. But then again, he COULD practice using his si_ckle._

He shoved the CD into his computer and waited for his software to scan it and play the data which it contained. He believed that it was going to be a good night. But things aren't always what they seem, especially in Alternia…

"What the fuck do we have here?" Our favorite crabby sixteen year old said; gazing into his porn folder. He missed oogling at Terezi's flawless body so much-

**PSYCHE!**

Just kidding, he'd never stoop so LOW. That'd be disgusting! He had quite a few tabs on, Pesterchum, Youtube, you name it.

Since the last time he visited, John had broken his TV. It was a month ago, that they both were betting on childish things-as usual- like whether Con Air sucked or not (you can guess who was on which side). Apparently, their "six hour marathon" on troll romance; bored the living daylights of John and after some time he fell asleep. Karkat could easily tell that he was dreaming-his mumbles were unmistakable- even though he, himself, was in the kitchen. He was probably having stupid, derp, human-ish dreams. But little did he know…that John KICKS ASS in his sleep!

Givin' 'em darn imps the ol' one, two with his pogo-hammer! Indeed our little hero was in imp-ass heaven. One would believe it to be barbaric for a child of his age, to be having such maraudic fantasies but he was doing the world a favor getting rid of these mischievous little-**"OH GOG DAMN IT! FUCKING WAKE UP ALREADY."** Enough was ENOUGH already! What was John even THINKING, ripping the drapes and smashing all the vases like that (Crabdad was SO going to kill him)? But he REALLY, crossed the line when he SMASHED THE GOD FORSAKEN T.V!

Even though he apologized, Karkat still gave him the boot.

* * *

So as you can see, being the television deprived teenager he was, he had no choice but to make use of his computer. And just as soon as the video was about to play-**KNOCK KNOCK**.

"IF YOURE ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE TROLL SCOUTS THEN I DONT WANT ANY!"

That didn't seem to have much of an effect of anyone since Crabdad still hadn't come upstairs yet neither did the knocking stop. In fact, an even LOUDER series of knocks followed and he could have sworn that he heard something crash…"

He swiftly grabbed his _sicklekind_ and sprinted out of the door. It must be a juvenile grub again, trying to break into his house, but that was highly unlikely since he never made contact with the neighbors. Ever. It's like they weren't even there…*

Pushing those thoughts into the back of his twisted sixteen-year-old head, Karkat tiptoed past the Kitchen where Crabdad usually lurked. He knew it was best not to tell him since he was perfectly capable of handling the matter himself. And anyways, anyone to dare defies him of Troll Will Smith DESERVES TO DIE.

"ALRIGHT NOOKSUCKER, HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE-TEREZI?!"

"K4RKL3S!" Said girl laughed, desperately trying to hide the rock in her hands while her feet shifted endlessly. "1 THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T H4V3 BOTH3R3D TO OP3N TH3 DOOR. 4ND 1 D1DNT W4NT TO D1STURB CR4BD4D SO 1 D3S1D3D TO L3T MYS3LF 1N!" His girlfriend grinned indifferently, while stepping over the shards of glass beneath them and making her way into his living room.

His jaw hit the floor as while his eyes lay transfixed upon her. "DID YOU *ACTUALLY* ATTEMPT TO BREAK INTO MY HOUSE?! AND NOT FEEL ANY REMORSE ABOUT IT?! BUT THEN AGAIN, IT *IS* YOU…HELL NO, EVEN GAMZEE WOULDNT HAVE DONE THIS!"

"ThInK aGaIn BrO :o)" Said boy smiled lazily, flinging the door open and strutting inside. "iM tHe OnE wHo GaVe HeR tHe IdEa- AnD sUpPlIeD hEr WiTh ThE rOcKs." He pointed down to reveal at least twenty rocks mixed with the shards of broken glass. "At FiRsT i WaS gOnNa ClImB uP tO YoUr WiNdOw, BuT i FeLl DoWn :o(

ThEn I wAs GoNnA sNeAk iN fRoM tHe BaCkDoOr BuT cRaBbY dAdDy SpOtTeD mE, aNd BeGaN tO mAkE sOmE wEiRd AsS nOiSeS sO i RaN aWaY… bUt ThEn I fOuNd sIs OvEr HeRe! :o)"

"SCCCCRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEECHHHHH CHIRIKUR CHIR KUR CHIR SSSCCRRRAWWWWWW!" Said Lusus entered the room wearing a pink "kiss the cook" apron (with matching gloves) and a platter full of cookies.

"So ThAtS wHaT yOu WeRe MaKiNg! :oD"

Crabdad nodded his head while screeching something faintly resembling "OKAY KIDDIES I MADE SOME COOKIES FOR YA'LL COME AND GET 'EM"

"DuN mInD iF i MoThErFu-WhOoPs, LuSuS iN tHe RoOm- Do!" Gamzee said while following his best bro's custodian into the dining room.

"THE FUC-" "NO K4RKL3S YOUR LUSUS 1S ST1LL H3R3."

Considering his matesprit's previous statement, Karkat placed his hand on his head and collapsed onto the couch. "WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU ALL WANT WITH-"

"B34TS M3 K4RKL3S- S4V3 SOM3 OF THOS3 B4D BOYS FOR M3 G4M!" Terezi said, cutting him off while plopping down next to him.

"****B-B-URGH! W-WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE!?******" I'm sure you can tell that he was almost on the verge of a bitch fit.

"W3LL YOU S33, 1V3 LOST MY C4N3 4ND 1 THOUGHT 1 L3FT 1T 4T YOUR PL4C3!" She answered while flashing him one of her signature grins.

"FU- YEA RIGHT! YOU AND I BOTH KNOW THAT YOU DONT NEED THAT GOG-OW!"

_Poke **(right in the eye, too).**_

"L14R! NOW YOU KNOW 1 DO N33D 1T~ H3H3H3H3H3H3HH3H3~!" She crackled maniacally as her boyfriend nursed his injured eye.

"WELL HURRY THE F- HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"SHHHH….1 C4N SM3LL D1S33T…1T C4LLS M3…"

Karkat watched in disbelief as she moonwalked up the stairs into his room. WAS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? And just ten minutes ago, he was trying to enjoy the company of Troll Will Smith and NOW he just discovered that two of his best friends had actually attempted to break into his house! The whole scenario was so wrong- except for the encounters with Crabdad, he wastes their gas on cooking and forces him to eat it all the time.

Haha. Why, he remembered the first time his Lusus tried to stuff his mediocre cooking down his throat just like it was yesterday! Wait. It WAS yesterday.

_And all of a sudden, the wave of the flashback wrecked over him, making him curse to his heart content while Crabdad tried to shove down a bottle of liquid soap down his throat. But who cares as long as we get to witness the flashback? Infact! Since I'm so nice, I'll even translate his weird mating call!_

_("Kurl9z, I w9uld like t9 clearify that that is N9T a mating call, h9w 9n 6ef9rus can y9u even 6elieve that a69ut my Lus-")_

**SHUT UP KANKRI. WHO'S TELLING THIS STORY? THAT'S RIGHT. NOT YOU. ANYWAYS, BACK TO THE FLASHBACK;**

"DAD IM HOM- WHAT'S THAT SMELL?"

"KKKKAAAAAAARRRRKKKKKKKAAAAAAATTTIIIIIYYYYYY. THAT'S WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLS YOU RIGHT."

"NO DAD, SHE'S NOT MY-"

"SHUT UP AND LOOK WHAT IVE MADE YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT."

"…."

"ITS HUMAN SHIT. I WANT YOU TO EAT IT."

"…"

"ITS MY NEW HOBBY BOY."

"dad no."

"YES BOY. NOW EAT IT."

**"AAADFEYHBFHLURFBHJG HIUHF SHEDUIPOFMNV STOP"**

"EAT MY CHILD EAT. YOU'VE BECOME VERY SKINNY. AND THERES A LOT MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM."

_("Kurl9z this is s9 triggering 9n S9 many levels I CANT EVEN 6EGIN T9 TELL Y9U H9W MANY ARE THERE! Y9ur representati9n 9f the humans and their ideals 9f n9urishment is all wrong. Us tr9lls are n9t supp9sed t9 6e aware 9f human etiquette, where did y9u even get this information? HAVE Y9U 6EEN S9CIALIZING WITH HUMANS ON FANFICTI9N D9T NET AGAIN-?"_

_"Inbubbleable! Can it will ya? I'm trying to do sumfin important. #Fuchsia ruler 38/"_

_"breakin my sniper rifle shouldnt count as important."_

_"shut it cronus"_

_"this is the wvorst case scenario for my feelings!"_

_"N9 Meenah, I will c9ntinue. S9 where was I? Ah yes. Are y9u naturally this inadequate at these s9rt 9f things- and is this disa6ility apart 9f y9ur triggers, if s9 I'll st9p- but 9therwise this is unacceptable!")_

**I'M SURE YOU ALL DO NOT WISH TO CONTINUE READING KANKRI'S RAMBLINGS SO I'VE TAKEN THE LIBERTY TO CUT DOWN HIS SPEECH PRIVLEDGES.**

_Karkat's head swirled as the flashback faded away, leaving him back on his living room couch. He could have sworn that he had heard people fighting about human culture in the distance but let's just pretend that never happened. It's not relevant to the story in anyway, right? Of course not._

He rubbed his head (cautious of the nubby-nubs) and wondered about how long he might have blacked out like that. And why was there such a surplus of a bitter taste in his mouth? Anyway, he must have been out long enough for… TEZERI TO SNOOP THROUGH HIS STUFF!

"GOG DAMN IT TEREZI WHEN I GET UP THERE YOU BETTER NOT BE LICKING MY COMPUTER SCREEN!" The enraged teenager cried while racing up the stairs and banging his door open.

What he say next, was something that could make even the Horror Terrors scream and writhe in pain.

"2up."

Sollux. His best friend. Was in HIS recoopercoon, with a single red rose in his mouth. He had raised an eyebrow and a familiar smirk (which only came through when he was in one of his better moods) graced his features. This situation could have been described in a more detail but I'm sure we all know it'll be for the best if we leave it like this.

"HOLY 2HIIT KK II THOUGHT YOU WERE AA!"

"WHY THE FU-LUSUS CHECK- WOULD SHE BE HERE?"

"…why not?"

"GOOD POINT. NOWAITWHAT NO! NOT A GOOD POINT! WHATRE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"well ii-"

"DONT ANSWER THAT."

Screw this. Screw that. Screw everything. He had completely lost faith in everything. What has this timeline COME TO? Forget finding Terezi and forget asking Sollux how he got here, HE WAS GETTING THE HELL OUT! He didn't bother to shut the door as the stalked down the stairs, his back straighter than usual. His train of thought would never be the same…

"AAHHAHAHAHAHH4H4H4H4H4H4HHAHAHAHAH444" The two trolls remaining in the room burst into of fits of laughter as soon as their friend was out of sight.

"D1D YOU S33 TH3 LOOK ON H1S F4C3?!" Terezi choked while emerging out (with a lot of difficulty) from his closet; knocking over several outfits in the process.

Sollux ruffled her already messed up hair and shook his head. He wouldn't have done this under normal circumstances but today was the day that

Hussie updated Homestuck! IT NEEDED TO BE CELEBRATED.

* * *

_**Minutes in the past though not many…**_

* * *

"WhAt'Re YoU tRyInG tO tElL mE?" Gamzee sobbed, burying his head in his hands. He had spent the last fifteen minutes trying to figure out what Crabdad was trying to tell him. It's hard to understand the other end of the argument when all the person can do is screech.

This was just so…FUTILE! It all started when Gamzee took the first bite of the cookies.

"MmMmMmMmMm…"

The chocolate exploded in his mouth, the chips melted on the tip of his purple tongue and just WHAT could he say about the perfect texture?

"OnE tHiNg ThOuGh, yOu ShOuLdVe LeFt It In ThE oVeN a LiTtLe LoNgEr-"

"SSCCCCRRREEEEEEE!" And that's all that took to set him off.

"No I dOnT lIkE cOfFeE."

"SCREECHI CHI CHERI CHI!"

"WhAt dO yOu MeAn JoHnS a MoThE-sOrRy- HoMo? He SaId He wAsNt-"

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ."

"WhY aRe YoU So CrAbBy CrAbByDaDdY?! Do:"

"NO HES NOT!" Shouted Karkat from the stairway before stalking into his room. This was confusing, frustrating and agitating at the same time.

And the fact that only just three minutes had passed since Terezi moonwalked past them didn't help much either.

"YoU kNoW wHaT?! i ThInK kArBrO nEeDs My HeLp!" Gamzee cried while rushing out of the kitchen.

"KaRbRo-!" He called out to his best friend and trying to escape the annoying pincers of 'Crabbydaddy'.

"Not now Gamzee." Said troll mumbled bluntly, walking right past his moirel. What happened to his quirk?

"WhAt WaS tHaT aLl AbOuT?" He asked, while looking into the room waiting for one of the trolls to answer.

"BUAHHAHA4H4H4H4H!" Was all that he could manage to get out of them, so he started to laugh along.

"HaHaHaHaHaHaHa… HeY wHy ArE wE lAuGhInG aBoUt AgAiN?"

* * *

_**Seconds in the present.**_

* * *

"SREHEHEHECHICHIBLI?"

NO CRABDAD, NOTHING HAPPENED."

"KIRCHIKICHIRHI?"

"NO DAD I WILL NOT RUB YOUR PINCHERS. AND NEITHER WILL MY FRIENDS."

"CHICHISCREEECHICHI."

"NO I DONT NEED YOU TO KILL THEM AND YES YOUR COOKIES TASTE GOOD."

"Alriight tz, ii'm gonna try two walk down the staiir2 my2elf!" Sollux cried, gripping the railing of the stairs as his foot slightly hovered above the first step.

"Y3S, YOU C4N DO 1T! 1 B3L13V3 1N YOU- 3V3N THOUGH 1 KNOW YOULL BR34K 4 F3W BON3S OR M4YB3 3V3N YOUR N3CK BUT 1T DO3SNT M4TT3R! DO 1T FOR TH3 COOK13S DOWNST41RS, DO 1T FOR YOUR PR1D3 4ND MOST 1MPORT4NTLY… DO 1T FOR TH3 HOM3STUCK UPD4T3!" Terezi cried, hugging her Sollux scalemate close; her teal tears dangerously close to streaming down her face.

"sAmE hEre BrO. mAy ThE mIrAcLeS bE wItH yoU :o)"

"For computer programmiing… AND BEYOND!"

Sollux wailed as the launched off the stairs, doing a somewhat accurate imitation of Karkat's Lusus.

"NO YOU 1DIOT TH1S 1SNT PROSP1T! ….OR D3RS3!" Terezi cried out in genuine distress, burying her head in her scalemate. Why didn't Mr. Appleberry remember that he couldn't fly without his psiioniics? She would have helped the poor fellow but alas, she had no idea about which direction he was falling down.

**MUAHAHAHAHHAHA. DO YOU THNIK I'M BEING MEAN TO SOLLUX EVEN THOUGH HE IS MY MOIREL'S-I LOVE YOU TUNA- **_(1 L0V3Y05 700 K5RL0Z!)_** DANCESTOR, MSPA READER?! WELL TOO BAD. YOU ARE HOPELESS AGAINT THE PRINCE OF RAGE! ANYWAYS.**

* * *

_**Right in everyone's present but not at all…**_

* * *

"SOLLUX WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Karkat asked, hovering above him while raising an eyebrow. Yes, he finally reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Iit'2 for the ladiie2," Said troll winked; saying the first thing that came to mind. Flexing his leg he supported his titled head with his arm.

At this, Karkat burst into a fit of genuine laughter; something which rarely happened and only his closest friends could make him do so. They make all the fiery hate burning passionately inside of him melt down into that vague feeling of human love. "SO THAT'S HOW MY *ANCESTOR* FELT..."

Witnessing his little fit, Sollux (who was still sprawled across the floor) broke out laughing as well. Soon after, Terezi emerged from behind the door and joined in with some laughter of her own. And then Gamzee did some shit too while birthing up Calliope/Caliborn and riding a unicycle at the same time.

**LIKE A TRUE SUBJUGGULATOR. SNIFF SNIFF. THE END.**

* * *

**"SO, HOW DID YOU LIKE MY STORY?"**_ Asked Kurloz Makara, shutting the outrageously large story book and setting it on his lap._

_Silence…_

**"GOG DAMN IT HOW WAS MY STORY?"**_ Said fanfiction author shouted, startling all the dead trolls in front of him; their backs to the stereo-typical fireplace during grandma's story time._

_"We sho+uld really say so+mething or he's go+ing to+ flip a bitch…" The jade blooded troll whispered; only loud enough so that the others could hear._

_**…**_

_And just when the young Makara was on the verge of flipping a bitch, his moirel burst out flailing everywhere, "0H G0G KU5L07 1H4YT W42S34 AVV3S20M3-KIUY58;!"_

_"\(=^..^)/ NYYYYEA PURRLOZ! IT WAS GREAT even though I couldn't hear any of it…"_

_"Y34! Kurl1zzl3 my m4n, th4t w4s som3 GROUND SH4K1NG story t3ll1n th3r3 M4N, NOW WHO W4NTS TO S33 MY H34DFL1P?"_

_"0H 0H-U3834FGTYK; - 17 D03S21!1!"_

_"WVHY are wve ignoring the fact that he didnt SAY anything? he cant talk!"_

_"8=D * feel as *f th*s story had a deeper, EMOT*ONAL message…"_

_"excuse me?"_

_"This was triggering. I h9pe 9ur dancest9rs d9nt turn 9ut like that._

_"is anyone listening to me?"_

_"shut up cronus 38( YO KURLOZ CAN I S-ELL YOUR BOOK AFTER YOURE DONE"_

_…_

**NO NOW DO TO SLEEP YOU LITTLE SHITS**

* * *

A/N: O GOD IM SO SORRY- NO IM NOT- I STARTED THIS IN THE BEGINNING OF ACT 4 (IM DONE WITH THE COMIC NOW) AND I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS. SURPRISE SURPRISE! IT WAS KURLOZ TELLING THE STORY ALL ALONG XD

**PLEASE READ: **

*** : I'm sure you guys remember that John's neighbors were practically invisible to him? Yea, it's a reference to that. **


End file.
